Last week, I was re-listening a Super Soul podcast with Barbara Brown Taylor, the Episcopal priest, professor, and author. She was talking about not her book "Learning to Walk in the Dark." It is a beautiful meditation on how humans always look for the light, the quick fix to get out of hurt feelings or the wrong spot. She says we must learn to sit with the darkness because it teaches us much more than the light. She said she asks her daily: "What is saving my life today?" She explains that it is an important question because the answer is most likely different daily.
It is a question geared toward what is getting you through the day. What is helping you? On any given day, my answer would very well be chocolate. I prefer hot fudge over sweet vanilla ice cream because I am a purist, with a load of peanuts tossed on top—the sweet and salty mix together for a satisfying crunch.
On other days, what may save me is an unexpected phone call or text from a friend or, even better, a group of friends. I had one of those this week. A high school friend started a thread because he will be in town over the holidays and wanted to try to get us all together. The thread continued with one funny meme after another and selfies of ourselves and our kids. It made my day. It took me out of myself, which I need more often than one might think.
It helped to lighten my losses in the last two weeks. My uncle and a close family friend, two people who knew my mom and dad very well, passed away. Two people who took with them stories and memories that I had hoped to hear again.
What else saved me this week?
Pickle ball.
I know it sounds ridiculous but it is true. On Thursday evening, my husband and I play at a rec center. We are among the youngest in the group. Pickle ball seems to be the sport of the retirees. Some of the folks are widows or widowers. They are all cheerful and kind. They ask us how our week is going. They ask about our kids. One woman asked me how my cough was since I had been hacking up a lung the previous week, which was probably inconsiderate given the general age of the group. But they accepted my "exercise induced" explanation and carried on. Not much stops a pickle ball game.
The camaraderie and the chance to whack the crap out of that little plastic ball gave me some hope—the whack and whap sound of plastic connecting released some of the tension in my body. It took away that tissue paper feeling my soul had been gathering for the last week. The flimsy tenderness that made me feel brittle and breakable. I hit one ball so hard that I nearly knocked over my opponent, which made me feel bad because she is about 20 years older and so lovely. She complimented the shot and didn't mention that she could have broken her hip dodging the incoming missile. When we got home and my daughter asked how I played, I told her I was like a woman possessed.
What saves your life today might not be pickle ball but it may be your dog greeting you at the end of a long day, tail wagging vigorously. Or your children cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. Which might also feel like a miracle. It could be getting a bonus at work or a new job. A small kindness from someone you don't even know.
Last winter, my son lost his wallet. He was frantic. We told him to cancel his debit card and wait. Maybe someone found it. He didn't believe that would happen. He went to work the next day, looked for it, and even returned to the fast food place where he had lunch. No one had turned it in. He called, worried and frustrated. We told him not to worry. It was fixable. He still didn't believe us. Two days later, a police officer showed up at our house with his wallet. Someone had found it and turned it in.
It was a good lesson. There are indeed kind people out there. Grace shows up in the cracks and lets a little light in. This taught him an important truth and also led him to pay more attention to his wallet.
If asking yourself, "What is saving my life today?" sounds too dramatic, try "What am I grateful for?" The two questions are interchangeable. Research has proven gratitude to be the gateway to happiness; even in the darkest moments, when you can find even one thing to be grateful for, the darkness recedes just a little bit. I write down at least three things I am grateful for each morning. Some days, it is more challenging than others, but I always find three things.
And believe it or not, on those days when I think, "Are you kidding me? What else?" On days when the universe seems to be working against me and the Divine seems to have deserted my camp, somehow something comes to me that reminds me that there is chocolate and pickle ball and friends who send funny text messages. And the light seeps through the crack, and I am saved again.
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